Missing a Loved One...

I have ben retreating into a shell, hiding in my home as I am trying to heal from a horrific wound. I am realizing that I give too much of myself and in my giving believe that others will give just as much as I do. I had to do the impossible this past week and walked away from my mother. She has decided to go down a path I refuse to follow. Her choices in life have made her into a person I do not recognize. She is consumed with self pity and hate. She refused to live in the present and look forward to the future, instead living in the past and blaming all others for HER problems. I have offered my hand to her so many times I have lost count. I have opened my home, gave her food, my love and still she takes more. Finally the lies are too great, the ugliness too nasty and my heart broke from the strain that she has put on it. It has been a week and I still feel lost.

It is as she died. I know that the mom I knew and loved died a long time ago. I am left with a shell of the woman that resembles my mom. The woman that made dozens and dozens of cookies so her girls could have a reason to eat the frosting. The woman that would make spuds and eggs on school mornings just cause it was my favorite breakfast. The woman that hugged as if I was the most precious gift. She put my clothes in the dryer so facing the cold wasn't so harsh. The person that told me that anything is possible and that I was her moonbeam. The one person who knew me better than I knew myself. She believed that I would find Mr. Right and wouldn't end up as the old maid with 32 cats.

She loved me, faults and all before I loved myself.

I have spend the last several days trying to come to terms with my feelings. Tonight I realize that what I am feeling is the grief that a child feels when a parent passes away. I am a tumble of emotions. All that hurt and I wish she would wrap her arms around me and tell that all would be right with the morning. She isn't though and I am realizing that I rather remember the GOOD days than these last days.

I love you momma...